Joke of the Day :)

[Nix]

Originally Posted by seienchin

Nix - whereever did you find that. Ansett Airlines have been out of operations since about 2002!!!! (See what happens if you pick on minority groups...)

I've stumbled across it several places, I think I found this on The Humor Archives. It's still hilarious though, I imagine the passengers rioting and ousting the cabin crew with torches and hayforks. If I were present, I would drive it totally out of proportions, mostly for my own pleasure (I enjoy mobs, as long as I'm in them).

[vapor]

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.
You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

vapor

[hasbeen]

Originally Posted by Nix

I've stumbled across it several places, I think I found this on The Humor Archives. It's still hilarious though, I imagine the passengers rioting and ousting the cabin crew with torches and hayforks. If I were present, I would drive it totally out of proportions, mostly for my own pleasure (I enjoy mobs, as long as I'm in them).

is that a sheep/sheepdog/wolf mob?

[DKKC]

Originally Posted by hasbeen

is that a sheep/sheepdog/wolf mob?

Irrelevant - he's the shepard!

[vapor]

The New Husbands Store -- a store that sells husbands -- has opened recently.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
You may choose any item from a particular floor or go up to the next floor, but you may not go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs!
She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids!!
'That's nice, she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking!!!
'Wow,' she thinks but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework!!!!
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still -- she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak!!!!!

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads

























Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

Floor 1 - These Wives Have Money!

Floor 2 - These Wives Have Money and Like Alcohol!!

Floor 3 - These Wives Have Money, Like Alcohol and Love Sex!!!

Floors 4, 5, and 6 have never been visited.

vapor

[Mikemok1981]

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[GJEChamberlain]

Three women go for a job as a waitress:

Final question in the interview, "A customer overpays you by £20.00, what do you do?"

No 1) "I'd rush to the car park and give it straight back"

No 2) "I'd put it in with the tips to be shared out later"

No 3) "I'd keep it!"

So who gets the job?














The one with the biggest t***

[Nix]

Hah, good one. That reminds me of a similar joke:

A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

[vapor]

Let's not get too crass....this isn't a bar on a Friday night!!

vapor

[Nix]

vapor,

I don't understand. The joke is on the teacher, because she asks him a question with multiple correct answers, and the boy gets back at her by doing the same, and using her consolidation remark as a comeback. The classical "oh-i-did-not-expect-that-to-come-back-and-bite-me-in-the-rear-end".

I cannot take responsibility for whatever connections you make with your filthy mind.


Respectfully,

~ Nix

[vapor]

Filthy minds aside, there are a variety of members here, so please keep that in mind...

As the Pope is visiting NY next week, I thought this would be appropriate:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limit 0 to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a 105.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, " All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit ofpersistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as his driver."


vapor

[jcc]

Man, vapour, that´s brilliant - where do you get them all? And does your boss know how you spend your time

[vapor]

I have my connections!!

And, my boss is clueless as to what I do all day (even though she sits in the office next to me)....but I got an excellent annual review, so the end justifies the means!

vapor

[seienchin]

With Acknowldegement to the Friday Funnies from Shayne Yates
Stress Humour and Health - Patricia Cameron-Hill and Dr Shayne Yates

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh wow, no way!
What happened next?'

[hasbeen]

Originally Posted by vapor

Filthy minds aside, there are a variety of members here, so please keep that in mind...

As the Pope is visiting NY next week, I thought this would be appropriate:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limit 0 to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a 105.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, " All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit ofpersistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as his driver."


vapor

osu vapor!! that was a brilliant joke...ammo for the pub tonight

[vapor]

While at the pub, one more to keep in mind

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.

She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly.

But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

vapor

[seienchin]

Originally Posted by vapor

While at the pub, one more to keep in mind

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.

She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly.

But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

vapor

I do believe that this was a true exchange between Winston Churchill and an abominably pompous british woman.