Joke of the Day :)

[Dent]

Osu! JCC,

I have one. It's called the Millenium Edition...

Osu!

[jcc]

Osu! Dent,

Or it´s taken them until Vista to realise that windows are opaque...

[Dent]

Osu!

Good one, JCC!

Osu!

[vapor]

Q: Why can't sailors play cards?

A: Because the Captain is sitting on the deck

vapor

[Dent]

Osu!

Ouch...

And not even the good kind.

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

Revenge joke

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Osu!

[jcc]

OK - you asked for it:

Why did the chicken cross the road?






Chuck Norris told it to!

UUUUHHGG! (crossing 2 threads there )

[Dent]

Osu! JCC,

Nicely done, but terrible too.

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Osu!

[Bloke]

Shakespeare walks into a Bar and orders a Pint,

The Barman says - I cant serve you

You're Bard.

[vapor]

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers.

He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang.

It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper.

"I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

vapor

[Olrac]

Today I read in the newspaper:

FERRARI F1 team gives unemployed youth a chance.

The Ferrari F1 team has fired the complete pit crew and has hired a group of unemployed youngsters from Amsterdam.
The team made this decision after watching a documentary about young unemployed people who were able to strip a car from its wheels in 4 seconds without the proper tools.
Ferrari thougth that this was a good tactical move as most of the races are lost due to pit stops.

The project turned out to be a great dissapointment for the Ferrari team.

The kids didn't only change the tires in 4 seconds, but in less than 15 seconds they repainted the car, put new license plates on it and it was sold to the MC Laren team

[Mikemok1981]

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.



The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"



The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"



The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!”



Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."



The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."



Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."



The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

[Dent]

Osu!

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's drunk."

Osu!

[seienchin]

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

[seienchin]

A woman calls her lawyer and asks... "With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."

"And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

"Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Fosters for all the ugly men I've slept with."


this one and the above with acknowledgement to Shayne Yates
Stress Humour and Health - Patricia Cameron-Hill and Dr Shayne Yates

[Dent]

Osu!

What's lies dead, a hundred feet in the air?



















A centipede!

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

To make up for the above joke...

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"



Osu!

[vapor]

A young white belt was filling out a job application form.

He quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc.

Finally, he came to the column: Salary Expected.

He wrote, "YES."


vapor