Joke of the Day :) - Page 19

Bloke · 06-19-2008, 01:49 PM

Love the doorman jokes and the jumper cables is one of my faves.

Now as for the last one.....

Dent · 06-19-2008, 02:05 PM

Osu!

I know, I know... Sometimes they can't be helped.

I've got three equally bad, and ancient, ones here too:

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Osu!

Bloke · 06-19-2008, 03:20 PM

What about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his sold to Santa.

**hasbeen** · 06-19-2008, 03:55 PM

nearly vampires!

a colony of bats nearing starvation decide the youngest fitest bat their only hope of salvation because the rest are too weak having searched for food to no avail.

so little joey the bat is dispatched into the lands never scouted before........hours go past and the colony get weaker and weaker until he returns with blood dripping from his mouth!!! the colony go into a frenzy.....they are saved..hooray,hooray for joey came the cry..........i don`t think so said joey, causing an immediate silence..........

are you holding out on us joey, yelled hanshi bat.....no,no,no came the reply!!!!!

well how come your mouth is dripping with blood then??????

joey said, well my radar failed and i flew into a f******* tree!!!!!!!!!!!!

BigAl · 06-21-2008, 07:39 PM

This is kind of wrong, but still so funny it needs to be shared.

A father is reading his newspaper one night when his three daughters come into the room.

"Dad, how did I get my name?" asked the oldest.

"Well", he replies, "When you were born, I took you outside to think about your name. At that moment, a rose petal flew through the air and landed on your forehead. So I decided to call you Rose."

"And how did I get my name, Daddy?" says the middle daughter.

"When you were born, I took you outside like I did your older sister to think about what to name you. While I was out there, someone dropped a piece of candy from the roof and it hit you in the forehead. So I decided to call you Candy."

The third girl walks over to him, shakes his knee, and says "Duuuhhhhhh......"

The father just frowns and says "Ahhh, shut up Cinderblock!"

Lucy · 06-21-2008, 10:13 PM

Being British is all about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on your way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab. To sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh and....Only in Britain....Can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter. Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop to get prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of the shop. We might be British but by heck we're funny!

Dent · 06-22-2008, 05:05 PM

Osu!

In honor of my in-laws, who will surely punish me by visiting again this summer...

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O' Malley twins are drunk again."

Osu!

Bloke · 06-23-2008, 04:17 PM

Very good Dent - I like it

Dent · 06-23-2008, 04:23 PM

Osu!

Good to hear it, Bloke!

Here's one for the English:

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner are sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twyce".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so mhuch send which makes glaaass really cheeap so we too never drink out of the same glaaass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

Osu!

**jcc** · 06-23-2008, 04:50 PM

Osu! Dent,

Oh!

Osu!

Dent · 06-23-2008, 05:00 PM

Osu!

You know it's true, JCC. I think Earls Court could break away from the UK and call itself a SANZAR nation!

Osu!

Brazilian Berseker · 06-23-2008, 05:06 PM

Ok....There is this guy in the midle of the Sahara desert.....it's just him and his female camel. The guy thinks....

**jcc** · 06-23-2008, 05:09 PM

Osu! Dent,

Don´t doubt the truth of this - most (good) humour is like that - more truth than fiction!

Osu!

**hasbeen** · 06-27-2008, 04:13 PM

lady comes round after being in a coma for a year, the first thing she said to the nurse was, what happend i was pregnant and i`m not now!

you had beatiful twins and your uncle named them for you, oh no she said he`s irish a very nice man but not very clever....what did he call them?

he`s just about to walk in, you can ask him your self!!

hello uncle seamus what did you call the twins?....well he said. i called the girl DENISE....ah said the lady that`s a lovely name! what did you call the boy?

DENEPHEW!!!

Bloke · 06-27-2008, 04:51 PM

Hasbeen - what are you trying to say about the Irish?

**hasbeen** · 06-27-2008, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bloke

Hasbeen - what are you trying to say about the Irish?

bloke, i would say they have a good sense of humour,like a drink..good company to be with.. etc;etc......grovel,grovel...........and i expect to get my come uppance in october!!!!!!!!!!

Lucy · 06-27-2008, 05:27 PM

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I fancy the day off, im gonna pretend im mad"

He climbs up the scaffold, hangs upside down and shouts "IM A LIGHTBULB, IM A LIGHTBULB!!" at the top of his voice.

The foreman shouts "Paddy get down, pack your tools, you're mad, go home!"

He leaves the site. Watching this Murphy starts packing up as well.

"Where are you going?" asks the foreman.

Murphy replies "I can't work in the bloody dark!"

**hasbeen** · 06-27-2008, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucy

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I fancy the day off, im gonna pretend im mad"

He climbs up the scaffold, hangs upside down and shouts "IM A LIGHTBULB, IM A LIGHTBULB!!" at the top of his voice.

The foreman shouts "Paddy get down, pack your tools, you're mad, go home!"

He leaves the site. Watching this Murphy starts packing up as well.

"Where are you going?" asks the foreman.

Murphy replies "I can't work in the bloody dark!"

beware bloke....this lady knows no fear!

Lucy · 06-27-2008, 05:42 PM

Awww gotta love the Paddy & Murphy jokes!

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