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06-28-2008, 02:56 PM
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#381
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Sweet  .. i like itOsu
__________________
The longer you train in karate, the more you learn about yourself. 
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07-02-2008, 11:33 AM
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#382
Some troops returning to a war zone are amazed to see a huge cultural change.
For a thousand years, wives had walked three paces behind their husbands, but were now several paces in front with their husbands, head down, following behind. Encouraged by this, one asked the translator if this was positive proof that western values were gradually being introduced. "Nothing to do with it" he replied "We're still clearing the land mines"
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog! Last edited by GJEChamberlain; 07-02-2008 at 11:37 AM.
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07-02-2008, 11:55 AM
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07-02-2008, 04:32 PM
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#384
Osu!
(Warning: Long semi-political diatribe, fueled by rising prices and a lack of concrete action. Some of you may feel the urge to cheer...  )Banking and Finance Charity Dear kindhearted Friends... Now that the 4th of July is upon us, please look into your heart to help those truly in need. Banking and Finance executives right here in America, not some obscure third world toilet of a country, are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. This cannot be allowed to happen right here in our very own land of plenty. As if that weren't bad enough, these same executives could be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcies and current SEC investigation. BUT NOW, YOU CAN HELP! For a mere $20,835 a month, less than $700 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem...........but it's a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking up to some congressional committee or legislator who happily took soft money from lobbyists, but now does not know who they are, versus golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise or taking one of the corporate jets to check the new decorating at one of their houses in Aspen. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car payment or half a mortgage payment. But to an exec, $700 will almost replace his per diem. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete Arthur Andersen audited financial statement on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Just imagine the joy as you watch your executive's portfolio double or triple! Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the exec (for a signed photo, please include an additional $5000.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants help in a time of need. Although the exec won't know your name, his cell phone's speed dialer will be reprogrammed to the number of a special operator who will be able to make collect calls to your home just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. You just never know if your exec might spot some "gotta have" bauble at a charity silent auction or a set of the latest greatest golf clubs or such necessities as tuition to private schools for the kids and we will not even bring up the subject of bigger, better, badder and faster boats. YES, I WANT TO HELP! Sign me up, I would like to sponsor a Banking or Finance executive. My preference is checked below: [ ] Mid-level Manager. [ ] Director. [ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department). [ ]President (Even higher cost). [ ]Former CEO (Remember, this person will never be invited to the White House again. Imagine his suffering. His needs will, out of necessity, require a much higher contribution and may require the establishment of an off balance sheet partnership with other like-minded benefactors. Andersen Consultants, LLP can be counted on to handle the details of any partnerships in a most discrete fashion and with a minimum of disclosure). [ ] Entire Company [ ] I'll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select someone whose unexercised options are really underwater. Please charge the account listed below $1001.01 per day and send me a picture of the executive I have sponsored. As a bonus for you generosity, you will receive a T-Shirt you can wear with pride proclaiming your commitment to this worthy cause emblazoned with the following: Keep America Strong, Support a Banking and Finance Executive! Osu!
__________________
Train hard, train often! Look. Listen. Sweat!
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07-02-2008, 04:39 PM
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07-02-2008, 04:59 PM
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#386
Osu!
At $4.20 a gallon for both gas and milk, it's hardly surprising. Seeing the multi-million dollar payoffs to the individuals who made the mess in the first place, well, I'm having a a hard time laughing about it all... (Note to self: Do something less stressful for the remainder of the day. Maybe hit said self repeatedly with a blunt object...) Osu!
__________________
Train hard, train often! Look. Listen. Sweat!
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07-02-2008, 06:01 PM
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#387
Here's one.................
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'
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07-02-2008, 06:13 PM
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#388
Quote:
Not too sure, but I think $4.20 now just about buys you a litre or two in the UK... And yes, someone is making a big killing over this.  That may be the best joke of them all!
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07-02-2008, 07:10 PM
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#389
Osu!
Quote:
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. Osu!
__________________
Train hard, train often! Look. Listen. Sweat!
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07-04-2008, 07:54 AM
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#390
(Take yourself back to the 80's for this one)
Bloke tries to get in a night club, but gets knocked back as he's not wearing a tie. In desperation, he goes back to his car, gets his jump leads and fashions them into a makeshift tie. Queues up again, and the doorman says ..... (Drum roll) "In you go - but don't start anything"
__________________
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog!
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07-04-2008, 12:14 PM
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#391
Quote:
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BOOK, DID SOMEONE SAY BBBBOOOOKKKK!!!!
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07-04-2008, 12:17 PM
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#392
Ha!
Completely unintentional, but it reads better now you've mentioned it! Gary
__________________
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog!
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07-04-2008, 12:24 PM
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#393
haha, that's a nice one Bloke!
here a joke, actually more for musicians as I am one: If you throw a Banjo and a Trombone from a highrise building, which instrument hit the floor first??? ................................. .................................... .......................................... ............................................. who cares? !!!!
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07-04-2008, 04:42 PM
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#394
Tourism humour
Sorry it's me
I just got an EMail from a friend ( yes I do have one) in the UK. I don't know if these are 'legit' or have been put on the thread before ,I had a quick check but the computer is going to shut down in 5 minutes, so here goes with some. These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ... Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. ______________________________ ___________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. __________________________________________________ Cheers - Voortigen
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07-04-2008, 06:08 PM
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#395
Reminds me of an age-old one.You've probably read it, but it's still funny. In the Australian airline Quantas, they have a system to correct problems, in which the pilot leaves a note for the mechanic if a problem occurs, and the mechanic reports back. Who said engineers didn't have a sense of humour?
(P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers) P - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S - Almost replaced left inside main tire. P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid S - #2 propeller seepage normal - #1,3,4 propellers lack normal seepage. P - Something loose in cockpit S - Something tightened in cockpit P - Dead bugs on windshield S - Live bugs on backorder P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground P - Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear. S - Evidence removed. P - Suspected crack in windshield. S - Suspect you're right. P - DME volume unbelievably loud. S - Volume set to more believable level. P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S - That's what they're there for! P - IFF inoperative S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P - Number 3 engine missing. S - Engine found on right wing after brief search. P - Aircraft handles funny. S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right, and Be Serious." P - Target radar hums. S - Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P - Mouse in cockpit. S - Cat installed. P - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S - Took hammer away from midget.
__________________
Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion -- the "x" makes it sound cool.
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07-05-2008, 04:53 AM
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#396
Osu!
In the spirit of aviation... On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky, you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "You sure complain a lot for someone who can't fly!" Osu!
__________________
Train hard, train often! Look. Listen. Sweat!
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07-05-2008, 10:23 AM
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#397
A bloke (but not our Bloke, methinks) is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. "I've locked myself out of my car"
replies the man. "That's not a problem" replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my backside on the door". The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try - it might be worth a laugh. The passer-by turns his backside to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door. "That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?" "It's easy" replies the pedestrian,......................... "I'm wearing khaki trousers"
__________________
Wisdom prevents mistakes. But you have to make mistakes to get the wisdom.
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07-05-2008, 12:51 PM
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#398
Osu!
Quote:
 Osu! |