Joke of the Day :) - Page 21

voortigen · 07-07-2008, 04:32 AM

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal ...

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Cheers - Voortigen

Dent · 07-07-2008, 05:11 AM

Osu!

Quote:

Originally Posted by voortigen

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

That one is a potential danger. I hope someone pointed out to said tourist that 7 of the 10 most venomous snakes in the world live in Australia.

Osu!

voortigen · 07-07-2008, 06:36 AM

Dear Dent

I agree with your comment. I honestly don't know where this series of jokes came from, it was Emailed to me by a friend from schooldays ( Londoners sometimes live long, but don't always prosper). I suspect it is not from a legit tourism site, there is a commonality in the way they are written. I will try and find out the source.

I have a couple more to go on the thread soon.

Cheers - Voortigen

Dent · 07-07-2008, 02:24 PM

Osu!

From my son:

What type of Karate training do pigs practice?

Pork chops!

Osu!

Bloke · 07-07-2008, 02:37 PM

I shouldnt - but I like it.

Dent · 07-07-2008, 02:53 PM

Osu!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bloke

I shouldnt - but I like it.

He'll be thrilled to hear that! I know it brought a smile to my face too, but I'm a little biased.

Osu!

vapor · 07-09-2008, 11:35 PM

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals.

The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball.

The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.

The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.

On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo?

Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

vapor

**ksan** · 07-10-2008, 09:57 PM

lol... good one Vapor

**ksan** · 07-10-2008, 10:01 PM

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked.

**ksan** · 07-10-2008, 10:03 PM

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
“Honey,” he said. “You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked Martha.
“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

**tmd** · 07-10-2008, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dent

Osu!

At $4.20 a gallon for both gas and milk, it's hardly surprising. Seeing the multi-million dollar payoffs to the individuals who made the mess in the first place, well, I'm having a a hard time laughing about it all... (Note to self: Do something less stressful for the remainder of the day. Maybe hit said self repeatedly with a blunt object...)

Osu!

Dent we're over $11.00 a gallon over here for gas

Re: the note to self - you don't need to hit yourself; you do Kyokushin don't you

Dent · 07-11-2008, 01:30 AM

Osu!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ksan

“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

You are a bad man, Ksan!

Osu!

Dent · 07-11-2008, 01:33 AM

Osu!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmd

Dent we're over $11.00 a gallon over here for gas Re: the note to self - you don't need to hit yourself; you do Kyokushin don't you

At least everything worthwhile is in fairly close distance. I have three road trips coming up, each over 3000 miles.

If gas were $11 a gallon over here, I'd have started walking yesterday.

Even Kyokushin is expensive here......

Osu!

**hasbeen** · 07-11-2008, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dent

Osu!

At $4.20 a gallon for both gas and milk, it's hardly surprising. Seeing the multi-million dollar payoffs to the individuals who made the mess in the first place, well, I'm having a a hard time laughing about it all... (Note to self: Do something less stressful for the remainder of the day. Maybe hit said self repeatedly with a blunt object...)

Osu!

OSU DENT!..we earn the same sort of money as you and our gas is about $11-12 for a gallon.....joke of the day is the right place for that statement!

Dent · 07-11-2008, 06:38 PM

Osu! H,

Quote:

Originally Posted by hasbeen

OSU DENT!..we earn the same sort of money as you and our gas is about $11-12 for a gallon.....joke of the day is the right place for that statement!

I can only hope you're earning more than I am right now.

Osu!

Dent · 07-11-2008, 06:40 PM

Osu!

A Final Diagnosis - Anon
Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is old age.

Osu!

Nix · 07-14-2008, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ksan

This is a true story.

Personal experience?

Dent · 07-14-2008, 07:12 PM

Osu!

With so many good animal stories on the Forum, I thought this might be good:

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Animals aren't stupid.

Osu!

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