Joke of the Day :)

[vapor]

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot.

I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir."

At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

vapor

[Dent]

Osu!

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, the Dachshund will go straight for his groin and you throw the net over him." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and I fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund!"

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by vapor

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Good one, Vapor!

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you,"

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?"

He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you," The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

Now combining a couple of post ideas: Animals and ....

Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that one of his tools is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?"

Elephant replies "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it"
Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse"

So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Mouse: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."
Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc."

So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool"
Croc: "What does it look like?"
Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."

Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar"
So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?"
Jaguar: "Of course I have! I ate it."

Lion: "Why did you do that?"
Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar"



Osu!

[ksan]

YouTube - Car Fail

[ksan]

http://www.youtube.com/v/8ZZXslsLDLs&hl=en&fs=1

How not to practise makiwara

[seienchin]

An excellent video to demonstrate the importance of the second "tuck" in the "tuck-extend-tuck" sequence of a good kick! Nice one.

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by ksan

http://www.youtube.com/v/8ZZXslsLDLs&hl=en&fs=1

How not to practise makiwara

That leg is broken...

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and gave him a little Shuto action him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."


Osu!

[Bloke]

I love that joke Dent

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by Bloke

I love that joke Dent

Nice to hear it, Bloke!

I think it would make a great Gasshuku sketch.

Osu!

[Lucy]

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[tmd]

Originally Posted by Lucy

THE SILENT TREATMENT


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

You are so right it hurts - I last about 15 seconds then burst

Note: Scientist have discoverer that there is a difference between Male and Female Brains,truly an actual report was released today, someone (probably a bloke) actually got a grant to discover this! Lucy's example above and the females ability to remember that you didn't do some seemingly unimportant task for years, no decades confirmed this to the rest of us in the real world years ago

[Bloke]

Originally Posted by tmd

Scientist have discoverer that there is a difference between Male and Female Brains,truly an actual report was released today, someone (probably a bloke) actually got a grant to discover this!

Before you ask it wasnt me.

[tmd]

Originally Posted by Bloke

Before you ask it wasnt me.

I said A Bloke not THE Bloke

[ksan]

*A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,
and goes to bed exhausted.*

*Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn.'*

[Dent]

Osu!

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this parrotgliding either."

Osu!