Joke of the Day :)

[vapor]

Three karateka are captured by hostile enemies and are about to be executed.

One's a black belt, one's a green belt, and one's a white belt.

The guard brings the black belt forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests.

He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the black belt yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while he escapes.

The guard brings the green belt forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests.

He say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the green belt yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while he escapes.

By now the white belt has it all figured out.

The guard brings him forward and the executioner asks if he has any last requests.

He says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the white belt yells, "FIRE!!!"

vapor

[Bloke]

Where are you getting all these Dent?

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by Bloke

Where are you getting all these Dent?

All over, Bloke. It's the when that's important. "Work?"

I should get a couple more.

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

As the tide has slowed, I thought we might post some of our local silliness.

New Jersey Crazy Law
# It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

# You may not slurp your soup.

# If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

# It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

# On a highway you can not park under a bridge.

# Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.

# You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

# Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

# It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

Bernards Township
# It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

Caldwell
# You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

Cranford
# Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

Cresskill
# All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

Elizabeth
# It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

Manville
# It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

Newark
# It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

#
Ocean City
# Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.

# People may not slurp their soup.

# Raw hamburger may not be sold.

Raritan
# Profanity is prohibited.

Sea Isle City
# There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

Trenton
# Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

# You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

Aren't you glad you don't live here!

Osu!

[vapor]

Originally Posted by Dent

Osu!

As the tide has slowed, I thought we might post some of our local silliness.

New Jersey Crazy Law

# You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

Aren't you glad you don't live here!

Osu!

I actually like this one!! It is nice to not have to get outside during the brisk Jersey winters!!

vapor

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by vapor

I actually like this one!! It is nice to not have to get outside during the brisk Jersey winters!!

vapor

When you can sit in your car indefinitely, waiting for someone to come out at some point in the distant future?

Osu!

[Azimuth]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I think that I may have finally found inner peace.


A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box of Thronts chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who blidy gud I feel.

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by Azimuth

Yu haf no idr who blidy gud I feel.

Very good, Azimuth, very good!

Osu!

[GJEChamberlain]

An elderly man in Queensland , Australia had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. The women became aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked" Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile"

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they still think fast.

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by GJEChamberlain

An elderly man in Queensland , Australia had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

Now that sounds like a great place for a Dojo! Or did I miss the point?

Osu!

[hasbeen]

Originally Posted by Dent

Osu!



Now that sounds like a great place for a Dojo! Or did I miss the point?

Osu!

and the style of karate shall be known as....avoca--do?

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by hasbeen

and the style of karate shall be known as....avoca--do?

OUCH!

And there are others whose words are not quite as swift:

Welfare applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are supposedly taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Osu!

[Dent]

Osu!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on their hotel door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Moral of the story? Enjoy yourself tremendously at the K2 and afterparty, but don't stay in a kid-friendly hotel!

Osu!

[jcc]

Osu!

One for all the Antipodeans here:


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[GJEChamberlain]

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for? 'She stares into his eyes .. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... 'Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports ....?'

[Nix]

Brilliant, Gary!

I think this was pretty clever.

[GJEChamberlain]

Osu!

This made me smile:

Churchill was informed that a 75 year old man had been caught in a compromising position with an 86 year old woman in Hyde Park in the middle of winter.

The great man paused for a moment and said, "Makes you proud to be English, doesn't it?"

Gary