Joke of the Day :)

[Nix]

911 calls, eh? That reminds me of this beauty.

YouTube - Hilarious 911 Call

I don't know if it's real or not, but there are plenty funny/stupid 911 calls lying around (and some really horrifying ones ),

[intwominds]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St

Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of

goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new

arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'



'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.


'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with

the letter 'T' '?


The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'


The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when

I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable

thought (I expect you to do the same).



The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she

had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the

letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the

answer can be applied to the question.


'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three

questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of

February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of

twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider

your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away

shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the

answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question

absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the

answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to

answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.


This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,

deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any

longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you

arrive at THAT answer?'



'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his

billy boiled.'



And the blonde entered Heaven...

[Nix]

intwominds,

Slightly off-topic, but what is the name of the swagman? I thought he was unnamed. After some research, I found out that it may or may not have been based on a story about a Samuel "Frenchy" Hoffmeister. Is that the answer? Please enlighten me.

[Lucy]

What kind of bee's produce milk?.........

BOOBEE'S

[tmd]

Originally Posted by Nix

intwominds,

Slightly off-topic, but what is the name of the swagman? I thought he was unnamed. After some research, I found out that it may or may not have been based on a story about a Samuel "Frenchy" Hoffmeister. Is that the answer? Please enlighten me.

Found this for you Nix... Apparently the Blonde was right it was a Dutchman called Andy


Waltzing Matilda - An Interpretation: Specially prepared for foreigners (i.e. non Australians, and especially US citizens) wishing to know what the words to our most famous song actually mean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong

Once - a single time

jolly - gay, but not in the same sense as that understood by the young men
of Darlinghurst. (US readers subsitiute "San Francisco" or something similar in place of "Darlinghurst".)

swagman - itinerant worker, called a swagman because of the "swag" normally carried by such persons. A swag comprises the worldly belongings of the swagman, wrapped in a blanket and formed into a back-pack. A swagman is also known as a "swaggie"

camped - made camp (nothing to to do with the behaviour of the Darlinghurst set)

billabong - oxbow lake formed when a meandering river cuts through its own course leaving a segment of the river isolated from the main stream

Under the shade of a coolabah tree
under - beneath. Implies that there is something above (this may be wishful thinking)
shade - half a pair of sunglasses
coolabah - type of tree which grows in some of Australia's wetlands
tree - a woody thing with leaves, which gets pissed upon by dogs

And he sang as he watched and waited 'till his billy boiled
and he - a distortion of the swagman's name (Andy) sang - another distortion
watched - something the swaggie did while waiting
waited - something the swaggie did while watching
'till - another distortion. Not to be confused with the money receptacle found at the checkout in most stores.
billy - a tin can with a lid, and a looped wire handle over the top. Used by denizens of the Australian outback as a cooking utensil primarily for the boiling of water to make tea
boiled - what happened to the water when it was heated to 100 degrees. (This effect is not so apparent in backward countries like the US, where the water must be heated to over 200 degrees before anything interesting happens)

You'll come a-waltzing matilda with me
You'll - a distortion
come - no comment
waltzing - walking; the term used by swagmen to describe their means of travel
matilda - the name given by one particular swagman to his swag. Apparently the swaggie in question was a Dutchman who came to Australia after his wife, Matilda, had died. He adopted the swaggie's lifestyle, and named his swag in memory of his wife. Use of the name spread. (This is supposed to be a true story. Really.)

Waltzing matilda, waltzing matilda

You'll come a-waltzing matilda with me

And he sang as he watched and waited 'till his billy boiled

You'll come a-waltzing matilda with me

Down came a jumbuck to drink at the billabong
down - opposite of up (see next line of song)
jumbuck - a sheep, specifically a young ram
drink - to swallow water or other liquid, to imbibe alcoholic beverages (the latter being somewhat unlikely behaviour for a sheep, so water is assumed - this assumption may not be correct however, since it is said "to drink at" as opposed to "from")

Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee
up - opposite of down (see previous line of song)
jumped - to have performed a jump or leap, or in this case probably just standing up briskly.
grabbed - seized suddenly, snached
glee - Matilda had been dead for quite some time

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker-bag
shoved - pushed, stuffed, packed. Presumably after skinning and gutting
tucker - food, hence "tucker-bag"
bag - sack, usually made of hessian. The term also refers to a woman of similar appearance (to the hessian bag, not the sheep.)

You'll come a-waltzing matilda with me

Down came the squatter mounted on his thoroughbred
squatter - a landholder through occupancy rather than purchase
mounted - sitting upon (we hope this is not a reference to the Darlinghurst types mentioned at the beginning)
thoroughbred - a breed of horse. Not much use in the Australian bush or as a farm horse, but probably ridden by the squatter as a symbol of wealth. A similar phenomenon may be observed in Sydney, where one can see the odd yuppie driving his Ferrari over the Harbour Bridge in the peak-hour.

Down came the troopers, one, two, three
trooper - outback policeman
one, two, three - just to show that the swaggie could count

Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker-bag
a singularly redundant question
You'll come a-waltzing matilda with me

waltzing - a dance performed by sheep stealers whilst suspended from a gibbet by a rope

Waltzing matilda ... (etc)

Up jumped the swagman and jumped into the billabong

jumped(1) - (see previous definition)
jumped(2) - in this case probably more of a misguided leap, especially when one considers the ending to the song

You'll never take me alive said he
alive - what the sheep isn't

Now his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong

You'll come a-waltzing matilda with me.

THE SILLY (BLEEP) COULDN'T SWIM !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope this helps those who would otherwise never have been able to decode this song.

[GJEChamberlain]

She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[makiwara7878]

kinds of poop:

Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

[tmd]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Bloke]

good one TMD - I like it.

[GJEChamberlain]

Sad to report my mother in law has just drowned ....

Could have been worse though. If she'd floated, they would have burnt her anyway.

[Bloke]

Ah the good old mother in law jokes.

[Dent]

Osu!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Osu!

[jcc]

Osu!

One for the economic crisis:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender had the strongest hands around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a challenger. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "No, I work for the IRS."

[Bloke]

Good one jcc

[Gheorgei]

A man was admitted to hospital with a toy horse up his bum.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!

[Gheorgei]

i will try to clean some up for posting

[jcc]

Osu!

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .