Joke of the Day :)

[vapor]

Pinocchio

---------------------

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

-------------------------

vapor

[hasbeen]

Originally Posted by vapor

Pinocchio

---------------------

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

-------------------------

vapor

pinocchios girlfriend being assertive said,"i`m going to sit on your face and make you tell lies!"

[vapor]

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper
was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and
said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your
Garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his
Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper
work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped
it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, Finally
understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee
from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said playfully, "When
you saw the Garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I
saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

She got fired!

vapor

[Bloke]

Nice one Vapor

[vapor]

The aging explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

vapor

[BiiggDDD]

lol nice, fo shizzle my nizzle lmao

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.


The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator." My friend is dead! What can i do?"


The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says," Just take it easy, i can help.
First, lets make sure hes dead."


There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says," ok, now what?"

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.



"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."



"I see millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.



"And what do you deduce from that?"



Watson ponders for a minute.



"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."



"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"



Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson you idiot!" he says, "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says," Thats the ugliest baby I have ever seen! Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her," The driver just insulted me!" The man says," You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?


To stamp out fires.



Why do elephants have flat feet?



To stamp out burning ducks.

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

I failed my driver’s test.

The driving instructor asked me “what do you do at a red light?”

I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.



Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”



My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.




I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.



A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”




A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”



A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

[mpeters]

Heres a couple

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Andy.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Andy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Andy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."



A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says: "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife says, “That’s not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says, "I was talking to the duck!"

[mpeters]

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

[hasbeen]

a tourist travelling through the country lanes of ireland breaks down,gets out of his car and lifts the bonnet.
scratching his head he looks at the engine,as we all do when we know nothing about cars ,then all of a sudden he hears a voice that says,"it`s the distributor cap" he takes his head out of the bonnet-nobody there!?...................

he starts to scratch his head again and see`s a great big grey horse. "it`s the distributor cap" says the horse,totally startled he said,"but your a horse".."thats as maybe says the horse but it`s still the distributor cap,i heard your car start to splutter and it`s the only thing it can be!"

the guy checks the cap and sure enough--problem solved,thanking the horse very much he heads to the nearest village.

a bit shaken he decided to have a "quick one" in the local. after getting a drink from the barmen he tells the story. the barman replied that must have been neddy the big grey horse that helped you, yes said the man, even more confused..."good job it wasn`t blacky the big black horse who saw you exclaimed the barman".......why`s that said the man ?

well blacky knows fuck all about cars!!

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

Either you love them or hate them!...




Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.

Did you hear about the three blondes who were driving to Disneyland?
After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.

These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their titties.

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.

How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow sat down!

[Davidkyokushinstudent]

ID like to appologise to any blondes who find blonde jokes offensive....

I like blondes.....
No, really...

[Bloke]

Thanks guys - just a had giggle to my self for a few minutes there.