Silliest ever self-defence technique

[seienchin]

This is a thread for us to be irreverent - and to remember to laugh at ourselves (ie, Martial Artists) occasionally.

What is the silliest thing you have ever been taught in a self-defence class or seminar, or read in a book? - silly meaning impractical, impossible, scary or would render you incapable of further defence by way of falling about laughing at the mere thought of relying on it....

Go on - I just know that there are some good stories out there....

[jcc]

Uuuuhhm - not something I learned, but - a friend of mine studies aikido. One day she came back from class very animated and wanted to show me something. She insisted I attack her with an overhead blow, which I did, but being left-handed, used that hand. She completely fluffed whatever it was she was trying to show me and came back with - "No, no, you attacked me with the wrong hand!" Oh dear

[seienchin]

Oooh - I forgot to post my own silly technique - my fave...the "Drive the nasal septum into the brain as a "certain" technique for killing an assailant.

Has anyone ever, anywhere, in any circumstances actually spoken to somebody who did this - or maybe somebody who knew a person who definitely had? I think it is one of those kiddy schoolyard myths that ends up being perpetuated by some instructors.

Here is a post by someone who has expressed it better than I ever could:

Martial Arts Myths & Misconceptions

Pushing The Nose Bone Into The Brain

By Jonathan Maberry

Can a person really strike someone in a way that will drive the nose bone into the brain? I hear this one all the time, so let’s start with the short answer: No.
You cannot drive the nose bone into the brain. It cannot be done by any martial arts blow, and never has been done. Anyone who argues to the contrary is misinformed (and a bit stubborn) and stands in opposition to overwhelming medical and anatomical information.
First, the nose is primarily composed of malleable cartilage which does not posses the tensile strength necessary to penetrate the thick actual bone of which the skull is comprised. Second, even if the nose were entirely made of bone (and remember it isn’t!) it would not be long enough to reach the brain.
This myth pops up a lot, and even shows up in books and movies. In Stephen King’s novel “Firestarter” the assassin John Rainbird contemplates killing someone in this fashion; and Shirley Conran used it as a plot device in her novel “Savages”. It even showed up in the Bruce Willis action flick, “The Last Boy Scout,” and in the Nicholas Cage film, “Con Air”.
The sheer mechanics of accomplishing this are daunting. First, there is the crista galli, a thick, smooth, triangular piece of bone that projects from the bone that forms the roof of the nasal cavity (cribriform plate). Though there are small openings in the cribiform plate which allow nerves to pass through, they are not large enough to allow a mass of splintered bone to enter the brain case, nor are they direct conduits to the brain.
Can a powerful blow to the head be potentially lethal? Yes, that is certainly true, and for a variety of reasons ranging from trauma to the brain to injuries to the spinal cord. High-impact blows may result in various fractures to the facial bones, compression injuries of various kinds, damage to the brain stem that may be associated with cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leaks, or herniation of intracranial structures. Shock from such blows can cause orbital injuries, including possible trauma to one or both optic nerves; but the result will never be a nose bone sent like a missile into the brain. If this was a likely injury then boxers would be dropping like flies and the UFC would be a pretty grim affair.
So...that particular myth, as dynamic and spectacular as it is in fiction, is a physiological no-go.


PS - I am prepared to help large helpings of humble pie if someone can produce some evidence to suggest that my scepticism about this technique is misplaced.

[jcbel]

It might give the attacker a very bloody nose and send them running? Even better if they think they just had a close call!

[helenosch]

bloody nose, that reminds me of one very very silly self-defense technique:

Slash your wrists and let the blood of it spurt into the eyes of the attacker afterwards you can run away...

I'm sure the guy who told us that meant it as a joke, but he looked so sincere... but as an afterthought, it might just work

[Dent]

Osu!

I was subject to one of the worst possible SD sessions possible some years ago. While the instructor was a large, and fairly loud, man, he had only ever done non-contact sport Karate.

The techniques were laughably complex, and wholly unrealistic. After a short while I chose to leave. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was less than impressed, and the exodus continued.

An example of the techniques would go something like this:
Attacker punches (So far, so good), and the defender switches feet and grabs the wrist (Never seen anyone who could pull this off vs a real punch.), switch back and reverse punch to the body. The end.

Yup, he must be finished, because that's when they stop the fight in tournaments. Several variations of this were to follow, including a front leg head-level kick. Against a push. Good luck, Mr X.

Osu!

[Tettsui]

I think it's this video. Nuff said.

[Dent]

Osu!

Sadly enough, I've seen much, much worse. Some of the Chi throwers for example...

Osu!

[Nix]

I especially like the last technique, where the finishing move is a pat on the head. I don't think anyone expected that.

[jcc]

Osu! I disagree - I think this stuff would be very effective. Your attacker would no doubt fall about laughing, thus giving you time to run away!

[Kris]

"wave your arms and (pretend to) fly away" funny video!

[chen3141]

Originally Posted by Kris

"wave your arms and (pretend to) fly away" funny video!

I swear to god I saw this in a bar fight. The guy spilled his drink and got pissed then twirled his arms and moved exactly like they did...

I think this is pretty ridiculous YouTube - Kiai Vs. MMA

[hasbeen]

how about the one where your supposed to kick under the knee bone and dislocate the patella....excuse me would you mind standing still while i line a kick up which i hope is going to take your knee cap off...i don`t think so!?

i`ve seen this taught in various places, with me thinking surely it would be easier to kick the knee with a flat foot to snap the leg

[Dent]

Osu!

Kicking the knee in the heat of the moment would be pretty tough. Coming in as a third party would make all the difference here.

Osu!

[Nix]

Wow, chen. That video is horrid. Thank you for posting.

[chen3141]

Originally Posted by Nix

Wow, chen. That video is horrid. Thank you for posting.

Apparently he's not the only one YouTube - 'The Human Stun Gun' Investigation

I forgot to add, in the jiujitsu part you'll see Stephan Bonnar

[seienchin]

Wow! When I started this thread, I had no idea just how much outrageously silly stuff would come out of the woodwork.

The difference between the response of the "human stun gun"'s students and um...everybody else's response to his stunning technique is quite striking. It goes to show that your mind is a powerful thing, and if you expect a kiai and hand posture to knock you out from across the room....maybe it can.

Thanks for posting...and keep 'em coming.

[tmd]

Some vid Chen - (first one) these guys give MA a bad name.

Humble opinion: Any self defense move that struggles to become instinctive - and still requires you to think about it is useless : two -three moves max.

I seem to have chosen my dojo's well as apart from the above caution I have never been taught anything I thought was out and out stupid.

[jcbel]

Kiai masters... *shakes head*

But I guess if Sosai looked me in the eye and let loose a kiai I would be running for the hills!

[Dent]

Osu!

Originally Posted by jcbel

Kiai masters... *shakes head*

But I guess if Sosai looked me in the eye and let loose a kiai I would be running for the hills!

The difference being that he could actually cause you some horrible injury. These other fellas might make you laugh up your dinner. Maybe that's the skill?

Osu!