How to motivate a teenager?

**Olrac** · 01-07-2009, 09:51 AM

OSU,

Being a father of a teenager isn't always easy.
I guess everybody knows that, but being also a coach is harder.
I'm having troubles combining my fatherhood with coaching.
My son is now almost 15 years old.
He's acting like a real teenager and mom and dad are 2 people who are always naggin about something (cleaning his room, making homework, etc)
But that's not the problem.
I'm afraid that his motivation for karate will disappear.
Lately he has improved his fighting skills alot.
He has great punches, kicks and will not back down for a superior opponent.
But he doesn't like to work on his kata, kihon, etc.
Also he skipps his training sessions too much.
Sensei already informed me that, if he doesn't join the training sessions regularly he won't be grading for a while.
Also he won't be allowed to participate in the international tournaments.

Anyone has an idea how I can motivate him to continue his training?

Changing from karate to kick boxing is not an option.

Treggats · 01-07-2009, 10:10 AM

You can ask him what his reasons are, why he's skipping them.
And try to argue with him why it's good to train

kakatootoshi · 01-07-2009, 10:20 AM

[quote=Olrac;86651]OSU,
Lately he has improved his fighting skills alot.
He has great punches, kicks and will not back down for a superior opponent.
But he doesn't like to work on his kata, kihon, etc.
Also he skipps his training sessions too much.QUOTE]

Dear Olrac,
I think you need to show him the connection of Kihon, Kata and Kumite as a whole.

And sorry if I misunderstand, is he showing signs of arrogance? I think a sole concentration on fighting coupled with a skipping of lessons may be also suggesting discontent against Dojo traditions. What is his attitude in training and what does Kyokushin mean to him?

As a side note, why do you think kickboxing is not good for him?

OSU!

**Olrac** · 01-07-2009, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kakatootoshi

I think you need to show him the connection of Kihon, Kata and Kumite as a whole.

And sorry if I misunderstand, is he showing signs of arrogance? I think a sole concentration on fighting coupled with a skipping of lessons may be also suggesting discontent against Dojo traditions. What is his attitude in training and what does Kyokushin mean to him?

As a side note, why do you think kickboxing is not good for him?

OSU!

Osu Kaka-san,

We (sensei and I) have argued with him some times and he agrees that kihon, kata will improve his overall skills as a karateka.

Yes, he is showing signs of arrogance, but not during training sessions.

Maybe I will offend people with my next answer but that is not my intention.
Where I live are some kick-boxing gyms, but the people that are training there do not have the same attitude as karateka.
A lot of them are known as "bad boys".
My fear is that his arrogance will grow and that he will hang out with "the wrong people".

Again, I don't want to offend anyone but this is how I see it.

OSU

kakatootoshi · 01-07-2009, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olrac

Osu Kaka-san,

We (sensei and I) have argued with him some times and he agrees that kihon, kata will improve his overall skills as a karateka.

Yes, he is showing signs of arrogance, but not during training sessions.

Maybe I will offend people with my next answer but that is not my intention.
Where I live are some kick-boxing gyms, but the people that are training there do not have the same attitude as karateka.
A lot of them are known as "bad boys".
My fear is that his arrogance will grow and that he will hang out with "the wrong people".

Again, I don't want to offend anyone but this is how I see it.

OSU

Do you think some defeat is good for him? Can he take it and come back stronger, or will it totally break his confidence?

OSU!

**Olrac** · 01-07-2009, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kakatootoshi

Do you think some defeat is good for him? Can he take it and come back stronger, or will it totally break his confidence?

OSU!

He has taken some defeats in his last tournament.
He takes it very well, he knows what he did wrong (or didn´t do or should have done)

**kanku** · 01-07-2009, 10:49 AM

perhaps it might be an idea to approach this from another angle......by this i mean how keeping up his training will benifit him, as a teenager.

"son do you realise what a "babe magnet" an international karateka is......just the sight of "netherlands" on the back of a sweatshirt makes women go weak at the knees!! "son, women like a man to be strong and look after them, being fit and a possible regular in the dutch team is going to make your friends really envious, i bet most of your friends would love to have your talent, by all means go and do what teenagers do but be aware of what an advantage this could give you in life!!" etc;etc.

now i know this is not p.c but this is how i might go about it, if you try and force anything on him he might rebel........i wish you good luck....but there again i think you are lucky to have a son this talented, not a bad problem to have olrac!

seienchin · 01-07-2009, 11:20 AM

It is corny, but doesn't the saying go "if you love something, set it free?"...

At 15, you have done most of the important parenting. His values have been formed, his attitudes, whether he knows it or not, are embedded. for this reason, I doubt very much that he is truly at risk of falling in with the "bad boys" because he just won't fit in. Teenage boys at this stage are interesting little beasts, because they want to be supported and nurtured, but at the same time, they are wanting to be independent. One minute they are telling you not to interfere in their lives, and the next they are asking why you didn't rescue them. It is confusing for everyone!!!!

Olrac, I have seen a number teenage boys through this period, and my view is that the best thing is to leave it up to them. Put the enablers in place, encourage and praise, but make it really clear that he is now almost a man, and it is his own decision, and you will respect it, and allow him to train on his own terms (as long as that is acceptable to the Sensei), or even not train.

Explain the consequences of his choices clearly and without overlaying any of your own feelings and desires onto it, and then, much as it hurts, let the consequences hit him. So if Sense says he is not to grade, well, that is the consequence. It will soon become apparent if karate is important to him.

If it is forced at this stage, he will resent karate, he will resent you, and it risks damaging his relationship with both. It is horrible when they make choices that you disagree with, but the effect on the relationship of respecting his growing independence will reap you benefits for years, in areas far more important than karate.

Karate is very important to you. It might be to him, or it might not, and it is going to take some time for him to work that out.

Also, I am of the view that you should not be both parent and coach, especially during the tumultuous teenage years. he can get a coach from anywhere, but you are the only father he has. He needs to be able to tell his coach where to "stick it" without damaging his relationship with you, and he needs a coach who can be objective and a little detached.

If he prefers to do kickboxing, see if you can find a gym where you are comfortable with the people and tell him that that is the only place you are prepared to support his going to. (There are benefits to being the one with the money). And explain exactly why you don't like the others. He may tell you that he disagrees, but explain in exact detail what the basis of your judgement is and why. It will get in, even when he protests, and it will reinforce that you really care about him.

Your goal for him, I am sure, is that he is happy and healthy. If he chooses not to pursue karate now, he may well come back to it in later life. If he continues now against his will, he may well come to hate it, and will be one of those people who end up saying "I could do karate when I was a kid".

Good luck with this!!!!

**Olrac** · 01-07-2009, 11:58 AM

Osu Seienchin,

I know you're right.

We will have to have a "man to man" talk soon.

**ksan** · 01-07-2009, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olrac

Osu Seienchin,

I know you're right.

We will have to have a "man to man" talk soon.

Seeinchin has a good point, let him make his own decissions... if he decides to leave, it will be his own choice.. he can always come back (depending on the way how he leaves)

If he doesnt come back, it never was meant to be....

**Olrac** · 01-07-2009, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ksan

If he doesnt come back, it never was meant to be....

That's easier said ten done.

Treggats · 01-07-2009, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olrac

That's easier said ten done.

Indeed, but that's a worst case scenario imho

Nix · 01-07-2009, 12:31 PM

I see many students quit or cut back on training at this age, in fact I myself quit at age 16. Speaking of own experience, if someone tried to force or deliberatelly lead me into anything, I would most definatelly resist and rebel. Independence and the freedom to make ones own decisions are very important at this age, and taking the consequences of ones actions is a valuable lesson to learn. Other stuff that may seem a waste of time or directly stupid take priority over karate, but it's for him to experiment with without the interference of parents, teachers and instructors. If karate is important to him, he will eventually return. I'm sure you'll let him know that door is always open.

In closing, 4 out of 5 teenagers in my class when I started quit. 3 of us started anew a few years later (and the last is a miserable failure).

seienchin · 01-07-2009, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olrac

That's easier said ten done.

This is where it takes courage and self-sacrifice to be a really good parent. It is about sublimating your own desires, and really looking for what is best for him, and for your relationship with him.

Please let us know how it goes (he will be mortified if he knows we are discussing him!!!)

**Paedde** · 01-07-2009, 12:47 PM

I think you have a window of opportunity as a parent, when the kid hits puberty it's closed.

It's now his decision what he does with his life. And it will change a LOT over the next few years and he will do the things you don't like.

But if he liked kyokushin, he will come back. I also came back after 9 years as soon as I realized that I wanted to do sports again, it was my first choice.

Osu

mariuslt · 01-07-2009, 01:04 PM

osu very similar story to my one.my father was training me as well.he gave me first lessons of martial arts when i was 5-6 years old.later he started to train with sensei in one karate dojo.they been training secretly,cause karate was not aloud in our country...one day he took me with him.that was unbelievable,hard to explain in words.sensei was great and we both enjoyd our training.i had some good results and my dad was proud of me.after few years we moved to another city.my father opened his own dojo.i was 14.it seemed to me that he was asking much more from me then from other karateka...i didnt like it,started argue with him at home...later on i was training on my own,but nothing good happened.didnt pass my 3 kyu,lost first fihgt in national tournament...i was angry on all world.my dad said to me:analyse what you did wrong...next day i was training with him

**Olrac** · 01-07-2009, 05:13 PM

Well, we had our "man to man" talk.

Bottomline is that he doesn't know what he wants.
He really dislikes doing kata and kihon.
He said that he can be also a good fighter without these elements.
As example he mentioned MMA fighters and kick boxers who never train kata and still kick ass.
He also mentioned that he needs more time for himself(????) but he is not sure if he wants to quit his karate training.
He doesn't like to start kick boxing as he dislikes to be face punched with those big boxing gloves.
So I gues I'll just have to be patient and wait to see what will happen.

I know he likes to learn the MMA basics, so at least he hasn't lost his interest in MA....yet

**Paedde** · 01-07-2009, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olrac

Well, we had our "man to man" talk.

Bottomline is that he doesn't know what he wants.
He really dislikes doing kata and kihon.
He said that he can be also a good fighter without these elements.
As example he mentioned MMA fighters and kick boxers who never train kata and still kick ass.
He also mentioned that he needs more time for himself(????) but he is not sure if he wants to quit his karate training.
He doesn't like to start kick boxing as he dislikes to be face punched with those big boxing gloves.
So I gues I'll just have to be patient and wait to see what will happen.

I know he likes to learn the MMA basics, so at least he hasn't lost his interest in MA....yet

What about BJJ? You mentioned he's interested in MMA and doesn't like getting punched in the face.

Teenagers need time for themselfes, they have to find out what they want in life. I completely understand that you don't like kata and kihon as a teenager and to be honest, it's not needed if you want to be a fighter. But he will grow older and understand at some point that fighting is just a part of martial arts.

Give him that few years until he knows what he wants and don't try to realize your dreams through him. That's the advice I can give coming just out of puberty.

Osu

Nix · 01-07-2009, 07:22 PM

Quote:

He also mentioned that he needs more time for himself(????) but he is not sure if he wants to quit his karate training.

Have you considered that karate is something you two do together, as opposed to his own stuff? Not that it's a bad thing of course, but I think he probably just wants to goof around and figure out some things for himself. No reason to freak out over it, I felt the same way when I was a teenager living at home.

meguro · 01-07-2009, 07:39 PM

Osu! Olrac, I'm stuck between dictating what my children should do and letting them decide for themselves. The older they get the more they distrust my judgment. The best parents can do is afford their kids the opportunity to make good decisions: leading by example; providing a good environment of peers and role models; allowing them to make decisions.

I was told by a school counselor to expect that young teens will rely less on their parents and more on their friends and other adult role models. It is the parents' responsibility to remain in the loop with the child's social network: know who the friends are; communicate with the adult role models (teachers, coaches, aunts & uncles).

At 15, your boy is just starting out. He's got a lifetime to enjoy karate or find something else that's challenging and fulfilling to him.